Thursday, April 2, 2015
The good news? I've brought you more pictures of the puppy! The cuteness never ends with this little guy.
The bad news: I have feelings for my best guy friend, and I wasn't entirely aware of them. I knew I
was am territorial over him, but I'm territorial (in a protective "I think he can do better/mamma bear" kind of way) over a few of my good guy friends.
But with this one, it was always a bit different. For starters we cuddled, a lot. And for seconds, well the cuddling was just a bit more misleading than I anticipated. I'm a pretty flirtatious and affectionate person, I like the pressure of feeling someone else next to me - whether it be holding hands, sitting next to each other on the couch, cuddling, linked arms, scratching a guys head, etc. I like that sense of closeness.
And the sense of always having someone around (from this particular friend) is probably what sent my feelings into lovey-dovey mode. But he's leaving, he's not from the US of A and at the end of the summer he's heading home, forever. And at the end of the summer, I'm heading to LA for college (I got accepted to CSUN!!). So in my head I knew nothing could ever happen between us - plus the fact that we've talked about not being more than friends because we won't be in the same city after this summer, may have helped my head know we're friends.
My heart, however, has a mind of it's own. A mind that's a hopeless romantic, a mind that's traditional and wants to be in a relationship instead of this hook-up culture we live in, a mind that wants to belong to someone. My heart could not over power my head, until Monday night when it heard he'd kissed someone else.
We've had our share of drunken kisses, plus countless nights of cuddles, but we've always been friends. We were determined to be just friends. But, when I heard that he'd kissed someone else, I couldn't help but feel like my blood froze over, like my heart fell into my stomach, and like my head was screaming "I told you not to!"
When we all go back to the house that night I couldn't help but cry to his sister, realizing that I genuinely have feelings for my best guy friend is probably one of the worst feelings I've faced in a while. It's easy to think, oh I'm okay with just being cuddle buddies, it's only until the end of the summer. But throwing in drunken kisses, working together, doing laundry together, getting food together, reading together, and sliding in the flirtatious/affectionate friendship - I'm kind of dumbfounded with myself for not realizing I'd develop feelings for him eventually.
What's worse is that there's nothing I can do about it other than distance myself. Distance myself in the sense that there's no more cuddling, I need to restrain from being affectionate and flirtatious with him. I need to try my hardest to stop my feelings from growing while simultaneously keeping our friendship in tacked. Because at the end of the day, we may never be together
never say never - maybe not this year, maybe not this lifetime, maybe not ever, or maybe when the time is right, if it's ever right. At the end of the day, if me not climbing into his bed and spooning leads to me not falling for him but keeping our friendship, keeping him in my life as someone I don't ever want to loose, than that's okay.
It hurts, I want to be able to be more with him, but knowing I can't, I won't. It just hurts, but I know it's going to be okay. After my many horrid heart breaks, I've learned it'll always be okay. Cry a bit, have a day or two to wallow in self-pity. Than get back up and don't let anyone see your pain.
GIFs brought to you from Love, Rosie - by far one of my favorite Lily Collins movies!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
When do you know you're truly ready to give an old love a second try? How do you know if it's even the right thing to do? People say, you should never go back to some whose hurt you, are they right? It sounds right, but what's right in the name of love? Why does love bring along so many damn questions?
It may sound idiotic; you're heart was broke, why go back to the one that caused that?
But I can't hold myself back from love anymore. I've ended things, good things, with guys so many times out of pure terrifying fear of getting hurt. I always play the same old game, hurt him before he hurts me - or hurt myself by numbing my feelings for him until the next guys comes around, and then the cycle continues. But, there's something about this guy.
There was something in the way his eyes watched me, something in the way his hands held me, and something about him I haven't been able to let go of six months later.
There was some kind of love there, the stereotypical-undescribable-safe-and-comfortable kind of love. The kind of love I read in books and see in movies, the kind of love that cynics don't believe in. Or, at least, the beginning of that kind of love. There's something in my gut shouting at me that there's something there.
I've had my gut tell me to leave too many times; it senses he's not a genuine guy, he'll be a cheater, he's just not my type, he's too this or too that, he's too sweet to be true, he's too perfect to be true... but never with this guy. My gut told me, continuously, not to give up. My gut told me to love.
So how do I know if it's okay to go back to a guy that once broke my heart? How do I know if it's the right thing to do? Am I supposed to listen to people's advice from their own experiences, or follow my gut and experience the love (and the potential pain) for myself?
Sunday, March 22, 2015
This weekend was the wedding I had mentioned here and here. It was down in Rosarito, Mexico and it was not only insanely fun but absolutely beautiful as well! The wedding was formal so everyone was super dolled up and fancy-shmancy. I got to wear this incredible blue dress that my aunt said made me look like a mermaid - best compliment all night! Enough of my chit-chat, just check out these awesome picture of my good looking family and a stunning wedding!
Third-wheeling with my brother and his girlfriend.
Of course my eyes are closed in the only picture I took with my brother!
The most incredible view.
Mr. and Mrs. Muñoz
A bit blurry, but still a beauty.
Is it just me or is the chandelier absolutely stunning?!
Me and my momma!