Thursday, October 30, 2014

3 Reasons I'll Never Give Up On Love

When I first wrote this post I wasn't too sure I was going to publish it. Something about writing about love scares me, like I'm jinxing things instead of getting thoughts out of my head. I also felt like I've been writing about love a lot lately; turns out my last post was a review about TSwift's 1989 (which I now love Bad Blood, by the way, it seriously grew on me!) and the post before that was about my mom. So maybe I'm not writing about love all that much, at least not on here.

Recently, I had decided I was going to give up dating for a while. I don't date, was going to become a mantra. Hanging out with guys and getting to know them was fine, but I drew the boundary line on dating. I don't. I was sick and tired of feeling broken all because of a guy I recently dated. I did my best to put myself out there and ended up with a broken heart, twice. As if the universe was telling me you shouldn't be doing that. The universe threw a big no in my face and took him away faster then I expected. 

So, since don'ts keep you safe, I decided I wasn't going to date anymore. Continue to focus on school, work toward finishing up at my current school, and transferring. Focusing on myself.

Then, two guys from my past that I've always had a bit of a hard time letting go of, showed up. Not at the
 same time! That would've been a mess, but one right after the other, wanting to get together and catch up. That's when I started to question if making the I don't date rule was a good one. And there went the universe again, as soon as I began to question myself, she slapped me with another big fat no and pulled them away. 

That's when I realized I can't not date. As much as I want to focus on myself, I already do that. Here, in my writing, reading, exercise, school, all of these are prominent areas in my life where I get to focus on myself. They may get meshed together with whom I'm dating (writing primarily) but whom I date tends to mold me, help me become the person I'm supposed to be. Evaluating this realization, three specific reasons came to mind. Three reasons why I'll never give up on love,
  1. By the time I'm ready for love, it'll be too late - I've struggled with wanting to be with someone and being afraid of being with someone for the past four years. It's not exactly trust issues, if a guy tells me to trust him I will. It's not exactly a commitment issue, I'm fiercely loyal. I don't date more then one guy at a time, it's too much stress to have to keep them apart, and all the lying seems useless.

    So if it's not trust or commitment, than what is it? If I'm not ready then why do I continue to fall for people then push them away when the prospects are looking up? If I wait for that answer, it could be too late. Too late for the person that may be pinning for me that I haven't noticed, too late for my heart if I've settled for someone else, too late for a number of excuses. And that number of excuses, pushes me to dive in heart first and let the universe take me from there.

  2. I wouldn't want to miss out on love - being in love is magical and amazing, euphoric and hypnotic. Why would anyone want to miss out on that? Missing out on love is like missing out on the cake at your best friends weddings, or missing your niece taking her first steps while you're in the same room. Love shouldn't be something anyone misses.
  3. I've realized, being in love helps me learn about myself - I've learned new likes and dislikes about the guys I date and within myself. I've learned what I can tolerate in guys and what are deal breakers. I've learned, even though everyone's always told me this, that I really do have a huge heart.

    If I can learn these from one person who's now in my past, who says I can't learn even more from people in my future?
So cheers to throwing out the don't rule! Let's see if the universe decides to throw a yes my way this time instead of yet another no. Because another damn no might just send me into a spiral of confusion.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Taylor Swift: 1989 - Review

After a day of having 1989 on repeat, I've decided to review it. And I've italicized review because these are my opinions of the songs. Overall, it's a great CD. I can't help but miss her country songs with more love than I have for Shake It Off, but the songs are actually great! She's gone pop but kept the detailed lyrics that are crazy relate-able and make me just want to scream HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LIFE?!

Welcome to New York - would totally be my anthem if I was moving to/planning to move to New York. 

Blank Space - to me, expresses how much I want to be open to love. Blank space reminds me, torments me, that I shouldn't be so afraid. It reminds me I'm young and allowed to be reckless and in love, heart break will be worth it. Blank Space brings to mind all the quotes of love being worth all the torturous pain, it's better to have loved than never loved at all.

Style - This song brings to mind the boys I've never seem to let go of, or at least have always had the hardest time letting go of. The two or three that continue to reappear every so often.

I also happen to love the lyric "And I got that good girl fig and a tight little skirt," because I have that good girl "type" going for me.

Out of the Woods - I really like this song. I can't relate to it because it's very openly about Harry Styles and well, 1.) I've never met Harry Styles and 2.) I don't listen to One Direction. So, as much as I like this song, it's just a song to me.

All You Had to do Was Stay - When I first heard this song I didn't like it, it was too pop-y for me. But now that I've heard it a few more times, listened to the lyrics, I can't help but relate it to my short-lived romance with J in so many ways then one. And now, I really like it...I needed it.

Shake it Off -  Love it. That is all.
I Wish You Would - I'm not to crazy about this song, I don't know what it is. I played it on repeat several times in hopes it would grow on me. But it didn't.

Bad Blood - I don't like this song, at all. I see where the lyrics are trying to go and it's in the right direction, I just feel the beat might be too pop-y for my taste. It's a good song, I'm positive it could've been better though. Sorry. 

Wildest Dreams - I feel like this song captures everything we, or at least I do, want to tell a guy we really care about. When we can see the relationship or whatever dating situation crashing down, we want them to miss us, be haunted by all the good times, just like we are. 

And am I the only one who thinks she sounds a bit like Lana Del Rey in the beginning?

How You Get the Girl - Eh, it's a cute song. Not really into it, nor am I really able to relate it to my love life...

This Love - This song reminds me of some sad depressing moment; listening to the this song, while the rain is falling heavily outside of your window, and your wallowing inside with a broken heart, not really warm from the indoor heat or cold from the weather outside. And because of this I don't like this song, it's beautiful but it makes me feel oddly sad.

I Know Places - I may or may not have found a new karaoke song. I'm not sure what it is I love about this song, maybe her vocals, because it's not relate-able. I've never had to run away with  my love, I run away from it.

Clean - I didn't understand this song. It may have been because I'm now half asleep listening to this CD for too many times to count and all I want to do is sleep. I'm sure it's a great song, all I remember is talking about 10 month sober - so I'm guessing it's been 10 months since she's talked about the boy the songs about.

Any guesses as to who all these songs are about? Because I only know the Harry Styles one, ha!
You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt.
And I got that good girl fig and a tight little skirt


Monday, October 27, 2014

The Woman I Want to Be

One of my biggest dreams in life is to be as much like my mom as possible. I've taken the introvert vs. extrovert tests a handful of time and they all tell me the same thing, I'm just about in the middle. Thanks to my parents being polar opposites, my mom being an extrovert and my dad being an introvert.

  • My mom can talk to anyone. She'll go to a party where the only person she knows is the host and leave with a few new friends. 
  • She's my mom. She's the example I've had for a female figure my entire life. She's the one whose taught me to do my laundry, to cook - not really this weekend I tried making my self breakfast and burnt it all -, taught me Spanish as a first language, to be independent.
  • She encourages me to travel. My dad, being the introvert that he is, gets anxious and nervous when he travels. And of course, being my fathers daughter, he passed that annoying little trait down to me. Thankfully, my mom encourages me to travel as much and as often as possible. She also doesn't mind the long distance two-minute phone calls from me about stomach issues!
  •  She wants me to have kids more than I do. I can't wait to be a mom, I would like to finish school first, but hoping for children in my future is something both my mom and I anticipate so much. I can't wait to make her grandma, she has so much love to give!
  • She has a huge heart. She is there one there for anyone and everyone that needs her. She'll always be the one I know I can count on. My mom has taught me to always be the shoulder to cry on when needed, financial helper when worst comes to worst, grocery shopper for sick friends/family, birthday party host for nieces, letting family live with you while they get settled in this country, and everything in between.
My mom has taught me to go to the world's end for anyone I love, to stand up for what you believe in (when appropriate), always do your best to have dinner on the table by the time dad gets home, spoil your children but teach them to work for what they earn, and so much more. Knowing my mom, one of the single most important people in my life, has taught me so much; I can only hope to do the same for my children some day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

6 Things I Learned Living With Guys

Just like I work part-time and go to school part-time, I live at home with my parents part-time and live with some friends/coworkers part-time. When I work a night shift then a morning shift early the next day, I stay at my friends house. If I'm off a couple days in a row, I go home to my parents. If I'm going out with my coworkers, I stay at my friends house. If I have school or exams the next day then  I go home to my parents. If I work a night shift and am too tired to drive across town to my parents, then I stay with my coworkers.

My parents house is home, it's where I grew up and where I have my roots; but my friends house is home 2.0, it's where I have tons of memories, blurry nights, lost of laughs, and life-long friends. At my friends house it's two guys and a sister of one of the guys, but everyone in our group of friends (that's pretty much all of our coworkers) consider me a roommate. Especially because I spent most of my summer living with them; it was three guys at the time, one moved to Seattle and H, B's sister, now lives with them. 

A quick intro on the guys: Let's call them T and B, for lack of better nicknames and laziness to come up with better nicknames. T is the one in the middle of the picture below, he's from Massachusetts and when he drinks, or is pissed or tired, he can't pronounce his r's. I've also considered marrying him on the simple fact that I'll never go hungry since he's a great chef at the restaurant I work at. And B, he's from Ireland and by the time I study abroad (in Ireland) he and his sister H will have moved back to Ireland. B has never learned how to drive and turns into a red tomato every time he stays in the sun longer than five minutes. He tends to speak Gaelic when he gets blackout drunk and H is as short as I am which makes me immediately love her!


I've learned a lot living part-time with these guys, but instead of listing an endless list ranging from how guys stop using the "pull-out" method after they hit 30 years old (one's almost 30 and the other is mid 20's) to how they don't label their food but everyone knows who's food is who's, here's the first ones I could think of:

  1. Social media likes: They're actually interested in their instagram and facebook likes. They may not be checking it every few minutes so often as us, but they are definitely interested and surprised by how many likes they get on their pictures!
  2. They're as comfortable being naked with each other as girls are with other girls! I can't even count how times I come home (2.0) to find these guys in their boxers, in the middle of the day, on the couch, in their rooms, cooking, cleaning. Oh and they, when they're drunk, always talk about how good one-another-looks naked.
  3. They're up-front about guy advice. Any time I need guy advice, they are completely straight up about it, tell you how it is and not care if you're feelings are hurt. Wait, no, they do care about your feelings but they'll give you advice without beating around the bush, or your feelings. For example: my question was what does it mean if a guy you used to date, but you don't talk to anymore, liked your instagram picture? Answer: he wants to tap that but not date you.  No feelings hurt there (well, yes by the guy I date - not by the friend).
  4. They like dressing up too! Some guys just wear a pair of jeans and a t-shirt or dress shirt, okay most, if not all guys wear that when they go out, but they have specific t-shirts/dress shirts that are for going out. For example: A few of us (roommates and coworkers) went out to the beach, after a while someone suggested we head to a bar. Almost everyone said yes, except for the roommates, they'd rather run back to the house and change into a different t-shirt.


  5. Bro Nights! I seriously doubt they call it that - they totally should - but just like I have girls night with Kalani and N every Sunday night to watch OUAT, T and a few other friends get together which ever night Sons of Anarchy is on.
  6. Guy roommates teach you self-confidence. In all honesty, I'm fine when I don't wear make up. I'm not as confident as when I do wear make up, which is pretty dumb considering I don't wear that much makeup anyway. But living with them, having them see me without makeup, in my pjs, with a top knot and not treat me any different, make a face, or say anything that has to do with any of the three listed above, make me realize I'm better than fine
Living with guys has definitely been the complete opposite of what I thought it was going to be. I thought they would be messy, annoying, stinky, loud, and challenging over all. Turns out, their loud...and that's about it from those above. They're genuine, caring, domestic, and loud. 

And I'm more then happy to live with them for as long as they let me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

God is Testing Me in Love

 Sweater, JC Penney // Yoga pants, Target // Socks, Target // Boots, Bongo
Finally,  getting a fall related ootd up! Thank you Lord baby Jesus, it's finally starting to feel like fall. The high is supposed to be 73 today, and I'll probably be melting later. But, it's currently cloudy and 68, I'm more than happy to wear an over-sized sweater with elbow patches, yoga pants (always love wearing yoga pants), cute high socks and boots, boots boots and more boots!

***

Disclaimer: I don't think God is actually testing me. Yes, maybe God put this whole situation in my life to see if I'll take the same route again or see if I learned my lesson and I'll go in the other direction. Maybe it's just my over-analyzing brain that never shuts up. Who knows, but what I do know is that it feels like history is repeating itself in some ways and God has put me on this path for a reason.

In high school I fell for my best guy friend. However, I was also manipulated by one of his really good friends, wait no, I can't put all the blame on his friend - let's call them R and P, R was my best friend and P was his really good friend. I fell for R, head over heels, completely and utterly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.


P was his really good friend, one of my good friends too. I was thrown into a love triangle between my best friend and a good mutual friend of ours. After a six-month story full of anxiety over my vulnerability with my best friend/boyfriend, my secret interest in his friend, contemplating loosing my virginity to my best friend, and then eventually getting my heart broken; long story short, I broke up with my best friend thinking I'd save my self the future heart break, we can keep our friendship and I had no plans to pursue our mutual friend.

I left on a week long vacation to Hawaii the day after graduation, about a week after the initial break up, and talked to R the entire time I was gone. I read him my diary, everything I wrote about him, I told him, all of it. These were the nights where he admitted how much I meant to him, some of the best conversations I've ever had in my life.

In the end, I got back from Hawaii and found out he'd gotten into a relationship with another girl and cut me out of his life, completely. I ended up breaking my own heart, by ending a relationship with the intention of preventing a broken heart. I look back at the whole situation now and think had I not broken up with him I would've fallen in love with my best friend and God only knows how long we'd be together, but I wouldn't change it. My high school romances and heart breaks molded me.


Hoping back over to 2014, to the current day...I have a best guy friend, and I absolutely adore him, however we don't like each other in any other way other then friendship. Yes, we have a flirty and affectionate friendship, but I'm a shameless flirt and we don't like each other. In another life, maybe even in this life, I know I could date him, love him, marry him even. He's an amazing guy, but we don't like each other.

At least I don't think we do. I've never been good at reading grey areas, especially with my feelings. Mixed signals will be the death of me. We've "dtr'd" and we both agreed we don't want anything more than were we're at right now, which is just friends. And I'm fine with that. However, he's one of my best friends, like I said I care about him a lot. And now, plot twist, I'm interested in one of our mutual friends.

Why is history repeating itself? It's not repeating itself completely because I'm not falling for my best friend, dating him, or anything of the sort. We're just friends, but I don't know how I feel about dating my best friends friend. Is it weird that I find that bad? The only explanation I can come up with is that the last time I liked my best friends friend I ended up with a broken heart and a lost friendship, if history is repeating itself I don't want that to happen again.

Then again, I broke my own heart trying to keep myself guarded, safe and distant. If history is repeating itself should I really take the chance of possibly breaking my own heart again just because I'm scared? Love is scary, why can't I take the risk of getting my heart broken when love is supposed to be worth the heart break?

I'm starting to think I'm going to give up on love and concentrate on school even more than I already am. Maybe love will fall into my lap when I least expect it. Besides isn't that what people say happens? When you aren't looking for love, is when love finds you.